Quick Background: As many of you know, I do not have children and therefore it may seem strange that I am reading a book about
childrearing and reviewing it. I decided to read this book, along with the families in my small group, so that I would be able to understand and converse with the parents about raising children
Biblically. This book is serving as a starting point for conversation. The children in the small group have been or will be dedicated, and as part of the dedication, the body of believers agrees to come alongside the parents. As well, I have found the shepherding principles laid out in the book are applicable to other relationships where I have some level of authority.
Disclaimer: I don't have children, therefore I lack some practical understanding. I submit this review humbly to the parents that may read it. I had a wonderful conversation with an elder from my previous church that is raising three children (oldest is now 16) and who teaches a parenting course based on this book (and the Bible of course). I have tried to include the key points he made during our conversation. He and I feel that this book is well founded in scripture and that if you don't agree with things stated, you must evaluate them against scripture and not worldly culture or personal preference. If you have not read the first post that is a scriptural preface, then please read that first
here.
The Review and Summary:To start, I would highly recommend this book to parents in particular, but also to anyone who interacts with children or anyone who has authority over someone. This review is going to be more of a high level summary.
Obedience -The starting pointGenesis, God gives Adam and Eve some simple commands to obey. Only one command specified something there were not to do, "Do not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil". From the beginning God required obedience. Jumping ahead to Jesus as he was about to ascend, he commanded his followers to "Go and make disciples...teaching them to obey all that I have commanded you." Again, God requires obedience. The question for every individual is whether you are going to submit your life to the authority of Jesus in obedience. Why does God require obedience? It is not because we can earn righteousness before him. It is because He is holy and has Authority over all things. Obedience is a sign of humble
submission. It should not be surprising then, that the most direct command to children, stated in both the New and Old Testament (Ex. 20:12,
Eph. 6:1, Col. 3:20, 1 Tim. 3:4), is for children to obey their parents. God has been gracious throughout history to give his people an intermediary to help us understand who God is and what he desires. This culminated in Jesus, who is the image of the invisible God (Col. 1:15). For children, God has given them parents to help them understand their relation to Jesus and what he desires. To that end, the book highlights three fundamentals.
First, parents must understand their relationship to their children, as God has assigned it. God has chosen and prescribed that parents communicate His truth found in the scripture and exercise
Authority. Second, a child's development is not simply a product of the environment they are in. Rather, it is a product of how the child responds to their environment. The book uses the terms
Godward Orientation to
Shaping Influences. Third, God's concern is with the
heart and parents must be diligent to understand the sin in their child's heart that leads to the behavior they are witnessing. The rest of the book is details about Biblical methods, training objectives, and training methods.
AuthorityThroughout scripture God gives authority to individuals. Kings, rulers, prophets, and parents. Consider Moses in Deuteronomy 6. He was given authority over God's people, Israel, and was given the task of teaching God's commands so that they might be
Obedient. Likewise, God has given parents authority over their children and the task of teaching them to be obedient to God. The two words "to God" are key. Parents are God's physical representatives that children can see and interact with, but the parents must constantly direct their children to God. I think the profound implication from this is parents who do not require obedience from their children are allowing their child to continue in
disobedience to God. I want to highlight that having children understand obedience is not so that their behavior is "correct" but so they understand that they are ultimately under God's authority and that they will be accountable to him.
I think a common question is "What is obedience?" The author clearly defines obedience as doing what you are told
without challenge, without
excuse, and
without delay. It ties back to the idea that obedience is demonstrating submission to authority. Consider the following situation:
Your child loves chocolate and you tell him/her to finish their chocolate cake before they get up from the table. They eagerly eat it all.At some level they are being obedient because they are following your direction. However, in their heart they want to eat the cake because of their own desire. Thus, there is no reason to challenge or delay or find an excuse. They are not being submissive because they are not subjecting their desire to some other authority. Consider the next situation:
You tell your child that they cannot have cake until they finish their broccoli. They subsequently...- say, "But I don't want to eat anymore broccoli." challenge
- say, "Can I just finish this one piece." challenge
- push it around on their plate. Perhaps "accidentally" knocking one to the floor. delay
- say, "I can't get the little pieces on my fork." without even trying. excuse
For any of these responses, and any others that don't have the child eating their broccoli, the author would say that the child needs to be disciplined because they are being disobedient. I know people are going to have the reaction, "That is too strict and rigid" or "What about giving a warning". Let me continue and flush out what the author would say about those reactions. The author talks about an appeal process, but the process start with obedience. Continuing the previous example, the child starts by immediately eating some broccoli at which point they could say, "Do I need to eat these little pieces? I can't pick them up with my fork." By maintaining obedience first, the child is starting from a place of submission. As for a warning, the author makes the point that children are smart and they will learn (because you are training them) how much disobedience they can get away with before discipline occurs. In response to a common question he gets (If I follow your counsel, All I'll do is spank), the author make the following reply:
"The truth is, if parents are consistent with discipline, they will find quickly
that the child responds and the necessity for discipline decreases. Could it be that you are confronted with disobedience all day because you tolerate it? As long as you are unwilling to require precision in obedience you will have sloppy responses to your directives." (pg. 154)
I will wrap up the Authority section with a note on discipline. The elder from my old church commented that using the rod is not commanded in scripture, but is the one discipline that is highly praised. He and the book both advocate the wise use of the rod, which I will recommend you read in the book to learn more. The overarching principles for discipline (because spanking a teenager is not going to work) were expressed by my elder as
Discipline must be:
Immediate: Helps the discipline be linked to the disobedience.
Clear: You should be able to communicate in a sentence, why they are getting disciplined.
Costly: It must help the child understand the severity of sin. If the child is indifferent or unaffected, it is not discipline.
Compassionate: Your heart as a parent must be one of compassion towards to child (vs. anger)
Consistent: Two aspects. First, a particular disobedience should be disciplined every time. Second, there should be a consistent discipline for a particular disobedience.
The book makes the distinction that discipline is not punishment, but discipline is necessary for communicating that children are under authority; yours right now but ultimately God's.
Godward Orientation to
Shaping InfluencesThis fundamental is around helping parents understand that how their child turns out is not simply a function of the environment that they grow up in but it is also a function of how they view themselves and others in relation to God.
Shaping influences (school, family values/roles/structure/history, etc) will bring out responses from your child. These responses inherently demonstrate how your child
Godward Orientation. Because of our inherent sinfulness, it is possible to surround a child with "Christian" influences and have them reject Christ. It happens all the time. For example, a good shaping influence could be family dinner time. Consider how
Godward Orientation can effect how a child develops.
Because family dinner time is consistent and Mom always makes the dinner, junior feels and develops a sense of entitlement. He is so "special" that he deserves to be feed regularly and served by someone. This may become evident when he is asked to help with dinner and he becomes indignant and has an attitude.He was not disobedient at the family dinners leading up to now, but his orientation to God was not right. This is where parents my be proactive in helping their children understand that food is a provision from God. God desires that we serve on another.
Simply having the "right" context is not the only part of the equation. Parent must be diligent to teach and demonstrate the appropriate responses to Shaping Influences, which are born out of and understanding of who we are before God.
The HeartThis fundamental clearly flows out of the others. Parents must understand who their children are and not merely what they do. Who they are is their heart. Using Christian
symbology, a child's behavior is the fruit of their heart. Simply addressing behavior trains a child to know what expressions of their sinful heart they can and cannot do (or at what times or for how long they can do it). The title of the book is such a great summary. We need to shepherd (direct and lead), children's hearts so that they understand their position before God. Only then will they recognize their need for a savior, Jesus Christ, and his power to live.
Although I am not going to go into detail, the two Biblical methods that the author puts forward are communication and the rod. In shepherding, communication is the key component and often overlooked because it is where the hard work is. He says parenting is often viewed as
- RULES
- CORRECTION
- DISCIPLINE (punishment in many cases)
There is very little communication in that list. Tedd Tripp adds communication in a variety of forms.
- Encouragement
- Correction
- Rebuke
- Entreaty
- Instruction
- Warning
- Teaching
- Prayer
He uses an example of a little kid giving its stuffed animal a drive of orange juice. That is not an offense that you discipline for. It is a opportunity to teach your child that stuffed animals can't eat and drink because they are not living, but God has given life to him and to sister and Daddy and Mommy and he provides for us. The difficulty is reacting to the inconvenience of the orange juice all over everything versus using the opportunity to direct your child's understanding of their place under God's authority and God's character.
God is so gracious in giving us tangible examples. There is a book by a shepherd regarding Psalms 23. The sheep learn to follow the voice of the shepherd. However, lambs will wander off from the flock, which is a place of danger. It is the same way for children, as it is for us, and as it was for the Israelites. When we are following and obeying, we are in a place of protection and good. When we wander, we are in a dangerous place. When a shepherd finally finds the lamb, he would break its legs with a rod and then carry the lamb on his shoulders. The entire time the lambs legs were healing, it would be in the closest place of protection and good, and it would hear the voice of the shepherd the clearest. What and incredible example, that communicates to me that most of shepherding should be communication, but that God has a place for discipline in order that we might hear and follow him closer.
THE END
If you have made it to here, I applaud you for your perseverance and thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. I hope that my thought have encouraged you and possibly challenged you also. I know this review and summary is somewhat abstract, but I was trying to summaries and explain the big picture in the book. I would recommend reading it, so that you can get more of the context that Tedd Tripp presents and the associated details.
Humbly in Christ, Elliott